things that are okay if you're with someone but sad if you're alone

Here is a very long list of things that are okay to do if you're with someone but a tad heartbreaking if you're alone.

Please feel free to add to my list of camaraderie and pain.

1. Feverishly scratching lottery tickets

Mitch Hedberg & his widow

For those of you who don't already know it, let me say it to you now: I adore (adored?) Mitch Hedberg. He died in March 2005 and I sincerely wept upon hearing the news--for several months there, I wasn't able to listen to his comedy CDs at all. It was just too unbearable.

Clearly my grief is nothing compared to that of those who knew him. I ain't claiming that in the least. But it is strange when someone whose words you've laughed at uproariously and memorized for their wit and humor is suddenly gone from the world. His wife Lynn Shawcroft was one of those left behind to mourn him, and just tonight I stumbled across her blog. I don't necessarily recommend it unless you're really curious about her as a comedienne or wondering what her life (or life as Mitch's widow) is like. In my few minutes of browsing, I did come across a few particularly candid entries dealing with her loss and grief--in these particular entries the writing was really bare and unflowery. It made me scared for the time when I will begin to lose those who are close to me because she tossed neither herself nor her readers the smallest morsel of comfort. If I knew her, perhaps I'd commend her on the bravery it took to put those words to paper (or screen, as it were). What does it say that she then posted them to the internet? I'm not sure.

In any case, now I'm thinking about love and loss and Mitch and what it must be like to lose your partner when you and he make your living as comedians. You must perform and make others laugh if you are to succeed in the business--but how do you do that when you're mourning? I suppose it's the quintessential question all actors face. Truly, it's probably what most people face whenever they're going through a period of loss. I would guess that most people struggle to maintain a somewhat normal facade to cover up what's going on behind the scenes.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

The end.

6/30/06 - summer, summer, summertime (summertime)

June 30, 2006 - Friday

12:18 AM - summer, summer, summertime (summertime) ...we'll just sit back & unwind. Ah, the glory of Will Smith... I am tempted to wax self-consciously poetic about how the last month or so (from the night before the road trip with Tamara onward) has been a remarkably emotional time for me, but then I'm forced to push back the time frame and see that things began before that. Maybe that afternoon I sat teary-eyed outside of the Coffee Bean in L.A. by myself after having finished my last-ever exam with no one to celebrate with was when this gently sloping rollercoaster ride began. But no: rewind to before that, and before that, and before that. If I so choose, I can divide my life into little vignettes and chapters according to events or themes or music I was listening to at the time or whatever suits my fancy. What's most striking about my life is that it's forever shifting and surprising me. Maybe some find the day to day predictability of routine comforting, but to me that smacks of monotomy and boredom. Each day I can't imagine how years or even months ago I lived without the newer friends that I currently consider so important. Some friends outside of my Athens circle get the impression that I'm somewhat of a party girl; it's true that I often talk about who I know and what we did and what get-togethers we all attended. But what those people fail to understand about my life here is the intensity of the connections I feel with my Athenian peers. The community here is so creative, so vibrant. I fear that many residents often take it for granted. Sometimes I use the excuse that I'm a scholar in the field of creativity and that's the reason I am so prone to expressing my appreciation for the nurturing creative enclave we have here--but even if I had not pursued creative studies I would still pick up on this amazing vibe. It's true that it can get gossipy and that I have become caught up in that cycle here and there, but it's also true that my closest friends and I are more apt to be open-minded and give people a chance than to listen to a story someone heard about someone who knew someone who knew someone from college six years ago and believe it. Tangent, tangent--let me refocus here. Once in awhile I tell people that I wish I had some sort of musical gift. Though it'd be cool to be able to pick up an instrument and play something even vaguely recognizable or be able to sing a song without feeling cripplingly self-conscious, the term "wish" makes it seem that I am simply dying to fit in with the musicians in this town. Not true. I don't know why I use that word--truth is, I am at ease being a listener; I just need to become more and more comfortable admitting that I don't know too much about the technical aspects of the music and what goes into making it. I need to get off my butt and start pursuing the art projects I've let lie dormant for the past few months. At first, school work was my excuse. Since summer began, excessive travel and houseguests were the reasons I couldn't start my stuff. When I get back from this particular trip, I vow to start doing something!! I need to not put pressure on myself to come up with some product that others will like. After all, as a student of creativity, I have come to the realization that it's the process that matters most. (ha-had to throw that student thing in there again...) Now I write and wonder why I ended up at a point I wasn't aiming for; I begin to scold myself for not having the neat bookends to this cheesy personal essay approach that I "should" have. But who cares? It's a blog. Got my words out. Declared a goal for myself. Declared my love of Athens once again. Guess I didn't actually have a goal to start with and ended up just fine--sort of how I live my life anyway, and look how rich my life is and always has been. If the excitement of the current chapter isn't resurrected in some form when I get back, I'll deal with it just fine. In a life full of starts and stops that merge into one another, it'd really surprise me if the fall held in store more of the same type of bittersweet experiences that the early summer has so far. Some people whom I love more than anyone else in this world (true statement) are having their hearts torn and bruised while others are learning to open up to people despite this ultimate painful possibility. Love, Janet P.S. If you made it through this, thanks a lot. I mean that. If you skimmed to the end and got this p.s., that's fine too, of course. I doubt I would have looked through it all. 3 Comments

	George	From someone who has too often taken the Athens community for granted, thanks for this blog, Janet. I hope to see you when you get back. Posted by George on June 30, 2006 - Friday at 1:09 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	K	read to the end! glad you love georgie, miss you. Posted by K on June 30, 2006 - Friday at 2:06 AM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Joe

Janeta mia, I love it when blogs and other "personal essay" type things spin out of control and become true. I'm having a summer, and a late night in particular, of strange deep and uncomfortable emotions. It felt good to read your words. Even if what hurts is also what sees and breathes, and so won't heal quite yet. Posted by Joe on July 1, 2006 - Saturday at 2:48 AM

3/29/06 - 2: song I like + just be patient with me

March 29, 2006 - Wednesday

I no longer have an emusic.com account, by the way, so if you're reading this in Oct. 2007 or later, don't worry about contacting me so we can be in cahoots! -Janet, 10/13/07

7:08 PM - The record skips, stammers the beat, and repeats the line, repeats the line, repeats the line.. Category: Music We are aware of the fact that I became enamored of the Great Lake Swimmers last night at Tasty World, eh? Well, I used emusic.com to download the new album as well as some Emusic-exclusive live tracks. I love love love what I'm hearing, but I keep getting tripped up on one song in particular. I love it so that it's hard for me to let the CD continue. Instead, I just hit that little button that looks like two triangles facing a wall to their left and hear it again and again. And if you're interested in emusic.com, let me know before you join. We can create a chain and get lots of free music. I swear it works, as I've paid $20 since joining and have gotten 280 songs. Not kidding. Moving Pictures, Silent Films - Great Lake Swimmers Oh wake me please when this is over Oh when the ice has melted away And a hunger returns I will be the same, but older And maybe twice the bear that I thought I was Where have you been? And what have you done? I've been under the ground Eating prayers from this old book I found under the ground... Saving it up and spending it all On moving pictures, silent films Moving pictures, silent films Or, is this the dream I've been saving? Oh, where the heart beats slower and slower? To almost nothing, almost nothing, almost nothing But I took you for love, or at least something beautiful Out there in the spotlight But turned around suddenly, Turned around squinting. Saw that it was headlights And then the truth... The truth was unbearable Oh, and imminent Bearing down on These two shadow animals Caught painting the dotted line Where have you been? And what have you done? I've been under the ground Eating prayers from this old book I found under the ground... Saving it up and spending it all On moving pictures, silent films Moving pictures, silent films Currently listening : Great Lake Swimmers By Great Lake Swimmers Release date: 05 April, 2005

5:40 PM - just be patient with me... Yesterday I was walking up Barber, contemplating creating a document called Janet's Big Fat List o' Disclaimers. The disclaimers would be geared toward different people in my life, from family to dating friends to that girl who was rude while serving me apple cider on Monday night. An example disclaimer for everyone? Please understand that I am trying my best not to be flaky. Lately I've felt so overwhelmed by things in my life that may seem miniscule or insignificant to you, and my distraction seems as if it is unwarranted and I am ignoring you. I have been a bad penpal, a horrific student (!), and a lazy person overall in terms of the usual commitments I make. Spring always widens my eyes and makes them more prone to tears--and, knowing that you'll probably tease me for being so genuinely touched by everything around me, I either joke about the impending tears first or just look away. Another thing about that distractability--hmm...What was I saying? I am a boring person right now, so I'll spare you anything more...adieu.

3/19/06 - weird habits + things

March 19, 2006 - Sunday

1:21 AM - weird habits + things habits So . . . the rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with "Six Weird Things/Habits" about yourself. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You Are Tagged!" in their comments . . . and tell them to read yours. 1. I sort of begin to freak out when people pick up one my books and bend the cover open too widely. Okay, I REALLY freak out. I tend to keep my books in amazingly pristine condition, barely opening paperbacks as I read them. 2. Several people throughout my life assumed I was a lesbian since I didn't start going on dates with boys until relatively late. Funny thing is, my sister (who had one boyfriend or another for years starting in 7th grade or so) is the one who had the active dating life but is now with a woman. Just interesting... 3. In recent years I've been known to silently panic if I think I might *actually* be really dating someone. Trying to get more comfortable with the thought of having a boyfriend, so give me time... 4. I wait weeks before doing my dishes. This can result in a moldy, stinky mess to which I scream, "Damn you, stinky dishes! I will never let you fester like this again!" But, of course, I do...and clean them again a couple weeks later, trying not to inhale. 5. Weird habit #442,311: As I've mentioned before, I obsessively collect office supplies. 6. I'm strangely fixated on Mary Tyler Moore, though said fixation has become less dramatic in recent years. (Janet R. inspired me to do this...thank you, Other Janet.) Currently listening : Colour the Small One By Sia Release date: By 13 April, 2004 3 Comments - 2 Kudos

	you betta bekahnize!	I have the same weirdness as your #s 1, 2 (but in reverse, people think I'm a lesbian now), 3!!!!, AND 5! I knew there was a reason I liked you so much! Posted by you betta bekahnize! on March 20, 2006 - Monday at 9:34 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

	goose	i have a similar tendancy as your #1, except i don't want people to see that i've never opened the book to read it, only buying it because i think it makes me look smart. and the books i have read i doodle star wars epic battle scenes in the margins - complete with deathstar...or sometimes i draw baskets of puppies and/or kittens and i scrawl 'is it friday yet?' under it. do you think that makes me look smart? Posted by goose on March 21, 2006 - Tuesday at 7:44 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Lauren

I'm not sure if people thought I was a lesbian, but I was a late bloomer with dating too. I can relate. I'm still wierd with dating. I like my independence, and gettting into a relationship means you gotta let them in your space. I like my space! Posted by Lauren on March 27, 2006 - Monday at 1:09 PM

2/7/06 - Hermitude suits me.

February 7, 2006 - Tuesday

2:25 PM - Hermitude suits me. As much as I like to be a social butterfly, there is something so wonderfully comforting and comfortable about hanging out in my house, listening to music and writing emails and composing letters and reading books and pretending I have no duties in all the world. I was supposed to work at the outdoor Ropes course all day (for a lovely sum that would have paid for most of my NYC plane ticket!), but when yesterday's weather caused the troops to move inside due to muddy conditions, I was off the schedule. Our indoor course at Ramsey is awesome, and I don't mind being in there for a couple of hours as long as I'm armed with my anti-migraine hat & sunglasses. A 9-hour workday in there would surely sicken me, however, and my understanding bosses recognized this and got someone to substitute for me. As I'm still groggy and sore-throated and recovering from this cold, I guess it's best that I didn't have to work a full day talking at the top of my voice and being entertaining and didactic. Siobhan was here for a lovely 5-day weekend (ha), and we exchanged the most thrilling collections of music ever. Now I have to be a hermit if I'm ever to listen to even 1/10th of my new collection. Living alone serves me well in terms of my social obligations and consistent need for Just Jan! time. The other night I had friends over after the bars closed, and we had a nice time singing and talking and laughing as we drank PBR well into the morning. If I had a roommate, I doubt I'd be as comfortable having friends over at 3 AM. In contrast, today I woke up at noon after a 5 AM bedtime and have yet to crawl out of my warm and cuddly pajamas. I've gotten some work done and have burned some Iron & Wine / Calexico for Jilly in the Netherlands and have given my mom the go-ahead on the cruise plans. I look around my sitting room/kitchen area and think of how gloriously spoiled and lucky I am. As much as it's not acceptable to say I'm attached to material possessions, I'll say that I am. Some folks believe that only two or three material objects are important to them because of the meaning they've acquired over the years. In my case, I love collecting things and organizing music and browsing through my magnets to such a degree that they all become important to me. I love that I have a house full of photographs of places and people that I love; the artwork I have displayed may not be the most grand, but I adore it and it's meaningful to me. Melted-down candles remind me of when I first picked them out and inhaled their scents; they also remind me of the times I've lit them on warm screened-in-porch nights as the breeze threatened to blow them out. Almost every day of my life, I think of how content I am. There are some things I wish for, but I don't consider them "missing." This reminds me of a funny conversational snippet, one which I'll provide for you and then make myself a bowl of soup. A few weeks (or months?) ago, I asked Richard Vinal if he had driven by me in town the night before: "Did you drive by me the other night? You have a Honda that's missing a bumper, right?" "Well, it doesn't miss it." The end. Currently listening : You Forgot It in People By Broken Social Scene Release date: 03 June, 2003

11/30/05 - incense, candlelight, deliberate melancholy

November 30, 2005 - Wednesday

8:52 PM - incense, candlelight, deliberate melancholy I'm in the mood for a marathon-long night of listening to sad and/or quiet music, staring at the flames of barely-lit candles, and serious self-centeredness. Esteemed scholars might say I am yearning for a typical Wednesday night from the life of 9th grade Janet Geddis, when I wallowed in overly introspective introspection and was brimming with hope for something I could never (and still can't) put my finger on. If anyone out there in internet space wants to stop by and give me a hug, that'd be great. I'll be the girl in the purple house pretending that the stats assignment doesn't exist. Currently listening : Trouble By Ray LaMontagne Release date: By 14 September, 2004 1 Comments

Christa

Sounds like you're in the mood for a FELICITY MARATHON!! Soft lighting, gentle music, and self-centeredness, with the Pink Power Ranger to boot! Posted by Christa on December 1, 2005 - Thursday at 9:14 AM