something an ol lady said once

I just remembered one of my favorite quotes of all time.

Here's my dad a couple summers ago in Geneva, OH with two cousins.

Once my dad and I were visiting my grandma in Pittsburgh. We were near the elevator bank when we came upon a woman in a wheelchair. She stopped dead in her tracks, looked at my dad in happy surprise, and said, "And who is this tall, shiny building of a man?!"

I hope he was flattered. I know I thought it was a pretty awesome compliment.

I heart drugged up kids

watch!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

new kwotez from the kidz

In late June I told you about some good quotes from my favorite kids. Here are three more:

• P., the five-year-old, wanted me to play Lego people with him. He gave me a tiny Lego man who was wearing a plastic grey wig. "This is Old Granny. You'll be Old Granny, okay?"
  
• Later, E., the three-year-old, joined the game and asked for me to put a plastic sword in her character's plastic claw hand. She then adopted this grainy, mean, rough voice and slammed her Lego man into mine and said, "I WANT TO KILL OLD GRANNY!!"
• P. and B. (who's 8) were chasing each other around the house. B. decided he was a good guy, the best guy you can be: God. "I'm God, okay, so I made everything...?" "Okay, but I'm mean," replied Pace. B: "Okay, let's play now. [beat] Get away from me, Satan!" P (in a slight country accent with hint of surfer dude voice): "I'm not Satan....I'm a guitar player!"
• E. met Jim yesterday and became completely infatuated. She had a bevy of hilarious quotes. First off, she couldn't get his name straight, first calling him "John" and then deciding upon "Joe." On the way home from my house (after saying goodbye to Jim), she was talking to herself in the backseat. "Oh, I miss Joe," she said in her own voice. "Me too," she replied in another voice. "I love Joe." "Me, too!"
• When we got home, E. and I ordered pizza. I finished mine first and sat in the living room leafing through a magazine. E. was playing by herself. She held up her crust and pretended it was a person: "Hi, my name is Joe," she said gruffly. In her natural voice, she replied, "I love you, Joe!" "I love you, too," gruff voice replied. Then she took a huge bite and chewed hungrily. Hilarious.
  

kwotable kidz

I babysit for three smart, funny, and--let's face it--adorable children. They have all been known to say pretty hilarious, ingenious things, and once in awhile I write these things down.

1. While playing an imaginary war game, B. (who was 7 at the time), said to his enemy, "Well, I'm not listening to the devil! I'm listening to God and Jesus. Or whatever their names are."
2. P., who has been highly quotable from a young age, tends to create various accents during every game he plays. Once last year when he was 4, he stood on the couch and said to me very earnestly, "Davy Crockett. He had a wolf hat, cut up clothes, and bare feet." This was delivered in a country accent (with gestures) as the introduction to a Davy Crockett game he'd just thought up.
3. E. (3-year-old girl) who is potty trained but still needs help, thought it was hilarious that her underwear was on the bathroom floor next to the tub while she sat on the toilet to pee this afternoon. "You left my underwear on the floor! The bathtub will be laughing and crying about that." She then erupted in a cascade of giggles.
4. P. has a flair for the dramatic, as I mentioned above. He sometimes gets very apocalyptic and serious. Here he's playing the superhero-gone-bad game he likes so much, explaining why he, the bad guy, ended up in such a rough place. "The devil turned us evil until the devil died and we killed God!"
5. While playing Wild West shortly after his fifth birthday, my character told P.'s character I was proud of him for surviving in the desert. His accented response? "There's no proud here. This is the Wild West." During that same game I offered him a glass of milk. He refused me and then said, "We don't like milk. We like blood."
6. During a tour of the nonexistent family graveyard, one of P.'s self-created characters took me around to the tombstones to tell me about each family member buried there. "This is my grandpa. And my little brother, Tommy. And my mom, and my grandma, and my great-grandma. [beat] And I love this guy the best: God and Jesus."
7. During that same game, I asked him how his [imaginary] grandpa died. "He died in the war and got killed by an evil troll with an axe."
8. P.'s friend R. was over to play one day. R. has the adorably high-pitched voice of many five-year-olds. (I'm not being facetious here--she really is cute.) She was playing with some dolls and didn't want P. to play with her, since he said he didn't like dolls. Eventually he reneged and approached her with, "Can I play?" She reluctantly acquiesced. "Okay...but you have to be a mother." P. considered this and said, "...Or a dolphin?" "Okay!"
9. Nearly three years ago, 6-year-old B. inspected 3-year-old brother P.'s class picture and had a very important question he couldn't wait to ask. "P.? P.? P.? P.! P.?" "Yeah?" "Who's this Asian-colored kid?"
   

I ban't believe this.

This is all over the news, I know, but the Gawker article is just too hilarious to not share with you.

Tune into SNL!

This is pretty exciting. I know Casey from NYU, though it's up for debate as to whether or not she remembers me. All the same, I'm happy for her. Her BFF/partner in crime, June Raphael, was on Flight of the Conchords for one episode the first season and was really good.

Too bad I can't make it to L.A. one weekend when they're doing this show. Wah.

xo
me

(Thanks for the news update, Lizzie-Lou!)

something my sister heard

My sister has a knack for overhearing really funny things. My father and mother share this gift. Come to think of it, relatives on both sides of the family do--my mom's side of the family tends to remember funny quotes from strangers' conversations by heart, whereas my father keeps little scraps of paper on which he'll write humorous tidbits. Ever the absent minded professor, he'd forget the specificity of the instance and only remember a general sense of hilarity.

Julie (my sis) has been sending me emails containing funny names she and her friends come across at work, in the newspaper, and on TV. The names are RIDICULOUS. The very best ones tend to be her friends' students at school or my people my sister has heard of through work, so that means I cannot share them. Confidentiality and all that. (I suppose very vague rules may've been breached, but posting them on the internet would be a little obvious.)

Here's an excerpt from an email she just sent. It made me laugh and made me overjoyed yet again that she'll be here next week for MY BIRTHDAY!

I overheard a strange conversation the other day at the grocery store. It was so strange that I didn't even remember it for several days.

Kid: I have a headache!"

Mother: "Well, duh! You had your head stuck in a hole in the wall!"

Taking the devil right out of Halloween!

My friend and former roommate NYU Sarah (known to me by the name of "Lover") sent me a wonderfully helpful link during the Halloween season. Unfortunately for all of us, I never check my NYU email account, so I didn't get the message in time to follow the Christian webmaster's suggestions. If I had, we could have had a Hallelujah Party! (you know, where people dress up as Bible characters!) instead of going downtown and drinking on Halloween.

Let's get planning for next year, kids! http://retirementwithapurpose.com/hobbies/afhalloween.html

Flight of the Conchords--watch it!

Today's Paste email announced that Flight of the Conchords (do I italicize that? I guess not since we're talking specifically of the performing duo here and not their TV show) are going to release a full-length album!

My mom had Jim and me watch Flight of the Conchords over Thanksgiving. This was after it came highly recommended from a few friends, including the ever-zealous "F'n Jimmy," who promised Nancy and me that we would love it, especially since she and I tend to sing about what's going on at any given time. Well, I saw a couple episodes of my mom's season 1 DVD and I can verify this: the show is amazing. Hilarious. Original. So funny. Watch it.

I just went to youtube.com and found a clip of them performing "Business Time" on stage in front of a live audience. It's still very funny, but I really do prefer seeing the duo perform within the auspices of their television show. They definitely have the means to up the ante there and make things more ridiculous, silly, and clever. All the same, it's worth a watch if you've never seen any of Flight of the Conchords and want a dose of their humor.

Next stop: Vision Video, Amazon.com, or wherever you go to acquire DVDs! Get to it!
xo-
Janet

more fun (and occasionally painful) local stories

I'm not inspired to write, but I am inspired to share...

1. From the Oconee County Blotter:
Theft: On Nov. 23, deputy William Elrod was dispatched to the Waffle House on U.S. Highway 441 where a manager had counted the previous shift's cash register drawer and found it came up $83 short.

2. After I read the following little blurb, I actually sighed, "Oh, man!" aloud. Truly, I say!

From the Madison County Police Blotter:
Arrest: On Nov. 20, deputy Jason Luke was dispatched to a home on Cherokee Road, Comer where the dispatcher said a man was armed with a BB gun. When Luke arrived, he took cover behind his patrol car while he waited for backup. However, a woman and man exited the house and he asked them who had the gun. "This is him. He ain't got the gun now," the woman responded. Luke then patted down the man and secured him in the patrol car. The deputy asked the man what was going on and the man said he was "raising hell." The family said he had been drinking most of the day and earlier that day took a machete and damaged the kitchen floor and wall. Joseph M. Collins, 50, was arrested for disorderly conduct.

3. Police on lookout for window climber
(I didn't include link because it came with all these attached ads. Ew!)

A woman in an apartment near Lexington Road was awakened Friday morning by a man climbing through her bedroom window, Athens-Clarke police said. The man opened the unlocked window to her Woodlake Place apartment, and when the woman woke up, he told her he was looking for his sister, police said.

The man was polite and left without taking anything, the woman told police.

But after going back out the window, he tried the same thing at the window next door, again telling the woman inside that he was looking for his sister, according to police.

Police put out an alert for the unidentified suspect and were able to lift a fingerprint from the window, police said.

Published in the Athens Banner-Herald on 120207

4. Pitched potato knocks out husband
(again, no link due to the ads--visit onlineathens.com to search for the article yourself, if you so desire.)

Jackson County sheriff's deputies were called to a Nicholson home early Thanksgiving morning after a 43-year-old woman knocked her husband unconscious with a potato during an argument, according to sheriff's reports. The woman told deputies that she and her husband started to argue in the kitchen about 1 a.m. Nov. 22. He had used an expletive to describe her, and she threw the potato at him, hitting him in the nose and causing him to pass out, deputies said. The couple told deputies that they been drinking.

She told deputies that she didn't mean to hit her husband and called police as soon as he fell unconscious. The man, who suffered from a large knot on his nose, told deputies he did not want to press charges. The woman was not arrested and no charges were filed.

Published in the Athens Banner-Herald on 120607

5. Okay, I admit I'm getting on a roll here. But the following little snippet from the Madison County blotter is pretty funny. It's very small-town Georgia.

Arrest: On Nov. 23, Lt. Steve Kimbel was patrolling on Neese Commerce Road about 11 p.m. when his radar showed an approaching Toyota Corolla traveling at 69 mph. When he turned to catch up to the car, it continued at a high rate of speed and suddenly turned onto Dillard Road. Kimbel caught up to the car when it stopped for a stop sign at Martin Griffeth Road. The driver, Ashlei Elizabeth Baker, 23, denied attempting get away and explained she was going to visit her father. Kimbel told Baker he knew where her father lived and it made no sense for her to take a longer route. At this point, she admitted she tried to elude the officer. She was arrested for speeding and attempting to elude and taken to jail.

6. The person writing the Madison County blotter has got to be having some fun here and there. Despite some challenges he or she faces when it comes to grammar and how to make words plural, the little tales are pretty convoluted and funny. Perhaps a stenographer writes down exactly what the officers say? I'm not sure. I like how the writer seems so sure of the characters' actions and feelings in this real-life drama.

Assault: On Nov. 25, Lt. Steve Kimbel and deputy Jason Ring responded about 8:15 p.m. to a dispute in Danielsville where a young man's father engaged in a fight with his son's in-laws. The young man said he and his wife went to visit his parents, but his wife doesn't like to visit there and often finds an excuse to leave early. When she wanted to leave this time, the man's father confronted her and she became upset. The woman and her father-in-law argued and when she pointed her finger at his face, he slapped her finger. Afterward, the couple left and drove to a nearby convenience store, where the woman's mother and sister also arrived. The wife said she would ride home with her mother. But as they left, the husband saw that they were returning to his father's home. He followed with the intent of trying to keep the peace. The father came outside and met the three women. When he called his daughter-in-law an uncomplimentary name, the sister hit him in the face. The father then pinned the sister against a vehicle and as his son tried to pull him off, the mother hit the father on the head with a flashlight. They eventually separated and left. Kimbel questioned the father, who said he only was trying to defend himself after the sister hit him. The father had some knots on his head and a cut under his eye. The deputies told all those involved to stay away from each other and if they wanted to take out warrants, they explained the court procedures.

Mitch Hedberg & his widow

For those of you who don't already know it, let me say it to you now: I adore (adored?) Mitch Hedberg. He died in March 2005 and I sincerely wept upon hearing the news--for several months there, I wasn't able to listen to his comedy CDs at all. It was just too unbearable.

Clearly my grief is nothing compared to that of those who knew him. I ain't claiming that in the least. But it is strange when someone whose words you've laughed at uproariously and memorized for their wit and humor is suddenly gone from the world. His wife Lynn Shawcroft was one of those left behind to mourn him, and just tonight I stumbled across her blog. I don't necessarily recommend it unless you're really curious about her as a comedienne or wondering what her life (or life as Mitch's widow) is like. In my few minutes of browsing, I did come across a few particularly candid entries dealing with her loss and grief--in these particular entries the writing was really bare and unflowery. It made me scared for the time when I will begin to lose those who are close to me because she tossed neither herself nor her readers the smallest morsel of comfort. If I knew her, perhaps I'd commend her on the bravery it took to put those words to paper (or screen, as it were). What does it say that she then posted them to the internet? I'm not sure.

In any case, now I'm thinking about love and loss and Mitch and what it must be like to lose your partner when you and he make your living as comedians. You must perform and make others laugh if you are to succeed in the business--but how do you do that when you're mourning? I suppose it's the quintessential question all actors face. Truly, it's probably what most people face whenever they're going through a period of loss. I would guess that most people struggle to maintain a somewhat normal facade to cover up what's going on behind the scenes.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

The end.

my friend is a superstar, or "Matt McConkey" is from "Waverly" (to help you googlers search better)

My dear friend Matt McConkey, whom I met when we were wee little freshmen at NYU, has been living in Los Angeles since 2001. He's one of those guys who's so amazingly hilarious and talented that I can't believe he's not been discovered by some sort of reputable talent scout yet. Who knows? Maybe he has and he's going to be on some fantastically successful HBO show come next fall.

For now, I will praise him for a couple different things.

1. A few years ago when I was living in Pittsburgh (Shadyside, to be exact), he landed a commercial. This was really exciting to me, but as I didn't have any TV service during the time the commercial was airing, my actually seeing the commercial proved to be impossible. Matty explained the thirty-second plot to me so that I could, in turn, explain it to my Pittsburgh relatives. That way they could call me in from the other room if I happened to be at their houses and I could catch him "live" on TV. While they never got the chance to call me in excitedly, they did get to see the commercial themselves--my cousin Margie's husband Larry tells me he saw the commercial many times, and even during really popular sporting events! Very exciting.

I'm proud to announce that I've finally come across the youtube.com link. (Thanks, Matt.)
Watch it. My friend's a star. Tee hee.




2. Matt and his friends also wrote a piece that recently premiered at L.A.'s Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. It was so popular that the folks at the venue asked them to come back again...and again...and again...and now again! Very well-respected and well-known guest stars are gracing the stage with their presence during the performances, lending their stories and voices to the troupe's said-to-be hilarious piece, which is called Worst Laid Plans. Janeane Garofalo and Mary Lynn Rajskub are going be in an upcoming performance, if I understand correctly. And Sarah Thyre, the coach from Strangers with Candy, will be performing on November 30th!!

I really, really want to go. But since I can't, you should, you L.A. folks. You hear me?!